To gift or not to gift. That is the question.

by Elizabeth
(River Vale, N.J.)

My adult daughter and I both received invitations to a bridal shower. The groom is my sister's son, (my daughter's first cousin.) My daughter is on the road and her invitation was sent to my home.

In the past, I would consult with her on what she wanted to spend and I would pick up a gift from her as well as myself and bring it to the occasion on her behalf.

Due to her occupation she has missed several baby showers etc. yet has always sent a gift.

We need you to settle a dispute.

I say she should send a gift whether I bring it (to make things easier for her)or she send it on her own since she was invited.

She said she does not have to give a gift since she is unable to go.

Everyone that was invited to the wedding was not invited to the shower, only close family, friends and bridal party. They consider her close and even though they knew she probably couldn't make it they extended the invitation anyway as they always do. I will be at that shower and am a little embarassed that there will not be a gift from my daughter. In the past,her absence as well as her gift was always acknowledged. What is the correct etiquette? If you are invited to a shower do you give a gift whether you can attend or not? Please help.


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Jan 15, 2011
by: Anonymous

If you don't go to a party, you are not obligated to give a gift. Since your daughter is clearly old enough to be purchasing her own gifts and be on the road, you need to learn that she is old enough to be held responsible. Give your gift, and no one will ask where your daughter's gift is

Oct 07, 2010
Gift not Required
by: Dandelion

If your daughter doesn't attend the shower, it is her choice whether to send a gift or not--she is not obligated to do so. Please stop pressuring her.

May 08, 2010
Send a gift from BOTH of you
by: Eunice replies

Well the correct etiquette implies that giving gifts should always be the choice of the giver.

I'd say you get a really good gift and say it is from you and your daughter.

Tell your daughter that you've included her and that she need not send a gift. You can also try to include her by asking for her input on ideas for the gift.

Etiquette are just mere guidelines. They are enforceable law. We can't make someone 'obey' etiquette either. So I hope this suggestion will help your situation.

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